How To Escape The Friend Zone!

It’s one of earths most inhospitable environments. A place where corpses of the poor souls trapped within its parameters lay to rot. Where the blood of broken hearts is smeared across the walls. In the corner a pile of pies that have been thrown to quash any romantic conquest, lay molding.

Gone a bit OTT with the detail, but of course I’m talking about the infamous friend zone.

We’ve all been there at some point, you’re fucking lying if you say otherwise. The half way house. The garden protected by huge wrought iron gates. A place even Michael Schofield couldn’t orchestrate an escape from. (If you don’t watch Prison Break, right over your head)

So, how exactly do you break free from it?

I tricked you with the title of this. I mislead you, and for that, I feel bad.

If you thought in this post I’d be detailing a step-by-step instruction booklet on how to clamber over said iron fence, and skip into the setting sun with your chosen other half, that is absolutely not the point of this post.

Quite the contrary.

This post is to tell you, for all intents and purposes, you’re fucked.

Just get used too it, adapt to it. Look around at the fellow inhabitants of your own unique phycological prison, and organise some social events. Play some poker, make some Pina Collada’s. Accept that your fate is doomed.

There are however, the lucky ones. The select few that manage by some biblical means to alter the chemical structure within a member of the opposite sexes anatomy, forcing them for some reason to be rather attracted to you suddenly.
But more than likely you’ll be massaging feet, painting nails, playing with hair until told otherwise. Like a good little boy.

I was sentenced to life imprisonment in the friend zone from a young age. However, I escaped. Not to a celebration into that sunset. But quietly, dug a rather large trench behind a poster of Pixie Lott in my cell. Waded my way through some sewage, into a thunderstorm, and I’m now selling jet-ski’s on a Mexican beach with Andy Dufresne. (If you haven’t watched Shawshank, then it’s your own fault, weird)

The truth is, the only way out alive, is to accept it simply is not going to happen, and trot off quietly with tail between legs.

To surmise. To get into the friend zone, is to be the victim of a rear naked choke. Just tap out and have it done with.


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